How to NOT Listen to Your Partner or Spouse

Looking in the refrigerator I asked Marlena: Hey babe. Where is the hummus?

Marlena’s quick response: Do you not remember?

My mind immediately shouted: Warning! Warning!

She continued: Remember. I asked you to look me in the eye...

Oh boy. Here we go. Me: I don’t remember that.

Marlena: Remember. I said, Jimmy. Look me in the eye. I am putting the hummus in the cheese drawer so when you ask me, “Marlena where’s the hummus?” You will know where the hummus is.

Me: So we already had this conversation?

Marlena: Yes! And you know what you said to me after I MADE you look me in the eye?

Me: No. What did I say?

Marlena pauses. I can tell this is going to hurt. I brace myself: You said just like Napoleon Dynamite, “Gosh babe. That is so offensive. I’m not an idiot!”

Me: So... what you’re telling me is that the hummus is in the cheese drawer?

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Later in the day she said: Did you clean the shower?

Me: Was I supposed to?

Marlena: Jimmy! I looked you in the eyes and asked you for help.

Me: Maybe that’s not the best way to communicate with me?

Marlena: The best way to communicate with you is not to look you in the eye and speak to you? What am I supposed to do!?!

Me: You got me.

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Apparently the problem is that I do not listen well. I do think sometimes I am preoccupied and my lack of multitasking ability creeps in... but that’s not an excuse for everything.

The crazy thing is, I have some clients who tell me that I am the best listener they know. I pride myself on being not just a good listener... but a great listener.

But the marital mirror shows me otherwise. I completely lack this skill with my wife.

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The really crazy thing, I was doing research on listening for a client when this happened.

How do you get the proper context in a business relationship? How do you listen properly?

After Marlena and I had the above conversation, I realized I had a problem. Here are some things I am trying right now in my own relationship to become better.

Researchers have said that listening is like a muscle. You have to practice it. And the more you do so, the better you become at it.

Here are some actual exercises you can try to workout that listening muscle with your spouse.

1. Listen with Your Entire Body 
I remember I was in a meeting when I learned this. Someone was talking and I was eating almonds. I could barely hear what she was saying. Then I remembered reading, “Listen with your entire body.” Where I was slouched, I sat up and leaned in to the conversation. I put my almonds down. I was zeroed in. I think my wife deserves the same focus.

2. The Five Minute Rule
Tell your partner that you will listen for five minutes without interrupting. Often my wife will say something that sometimes I vehemently disagree with and I interrupt her. Once this happens, escalation happens. We get louder and soon we are both frustrated.

3. Ask Questions
There's a leadership model called "respectful inquire." I didn't buy the research, but its premise is easy.

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This is all really great.

But it really comes down to consciously listening. Pausing whatever is up in my head and giving my partner the respect she deserves.

And if I don’t, I have a partner who helps me redirect my attention.